Getting closer with every breath and moan, the footsteps in the hall grew louder as I neared climax. I knew who was outside... I recognized his heavy steps, but somehow I could not bring myself to stop. The thought of being caught titillated me and such was the adrenaline I was filled with that I immediately took charge. I pushed Juan off me and quickly climbed on him. While I was trying to take advantage of the last few seconds we had before my husband opened the door, my daughter Haley's face came to my mind. What would she think if she knew what I was doing?
With the thought of my daughter's frightened and disgusted face in my head, I broke out in tears and ran to the restroom. The bedroom door never opened and the footsteps were now gone. My imagination had played tricks on me again. My conscience has not yet forgiven what I have done. Juan stood outside the restroom door for a few minutes pacing before growing the courage to ask how I was doing.
"Honey, are you ok?"
"I'm fine!" I cried out from within my porcelain stronghold. "Just, please give me some time. I'll give you a call later, please!"
"Ok," answered Juan, "I'll go home. Call me when you're feeling better, baby."
As Juan exited the bedroom door and his footsteps faded, I grew anxious and fretful. The thoughts that made me break down were not uncommon. I have had these thoughts before, but they grew more intense each time they reoccurred. It had been some time now since I last spoke with my daughter. She moved out at the age of eighteen, exactly a year after her father’s death. She said she couldn’t stand living in this house if her father was not in it. As for me, this house was home to my family and I could not leave it. Even without Haley, I could not leave the memory of my late husband. I was alone in my house, but not alone in my guilt. As my late husband's long-time friend, Juan knew exactly what was bothering me. He never mentioned anything, though. He never asked questions or push the subject.
Before finally forcing myself to get up , I laid on the bathroom floor for a few hours staring at the ceiling. A sense of unsteadiness took over me as I stood up. Once standing, I stared into the mirror as if to ask my reflection for answers to my unclear questions. There was nothing wrong with what I was doing, this I knew, but for whatever reason I was overcome with guilt and remorse. On I stared for minutes, but I could not find an answer.
The still and silence were suddenly broken when I let out a loud scream. Standing at an intimidating 6'5", a dark and ominous figure stood behind me and I could not move... All I could do was stare. The figure did not move and did not make a sound. It just stood there behind me... watching me.
Panicky and terrified, I smashed the mirror. I quickly grabbed the biggest piece of glass I could find and tried to lacerate my wrist. I had only one goal in mind... to end the suffering that so many days had haunted me. Tickling and awakening many nerves as it made its way down, I felt the warmth of my own blood drip down my arm..
"STOP!" yelled the prominent stature next to me. "You cannot do this! Think of our daughter!"
It was then when I realized the figure was my late husband and petrified I cried, "but, you follow me everywhere... you are HAUNTING me! I can't live like this! I live in fear that you may hate me and come back to seek revenge!"
"I could never seek revenge on the one I love," replied the figure, "baby, I'm not haunting you, I'm watching over you. Who do you think sent Juan over to see you? Yes, it was I. I made his car break down in front of our house. The way I see it, who better to take care of you than the man who took care of me most of my life. Go now and seek our daughter... she awaits you."
The figure disappeared and I was once again left alone only this time I was not scared. I was full of confidence and I could now rest easy. The thoughts that haunted me for so long turned out to be the work of my late husband. I did as he asked me to and went out to seek peace with our daughter.
When I arrived to her apartment, I need not say a word. Haley quickly embraced me and said she had been waiting for me. We caught up on the past few years and she dawned more light on her reasons for leaving our home.
“You became a paranoid freak, mom, and as much as I tried not thinking about dad, I just couldn’t go an hour without you reminding me of his memory,” said Haley.
It has now been three years since the incident. Haley accepted my new relationship with Juan and, although we still see my late husband everywhere, the three of us moved to New York City where Haley attends Columbia University. We are trying to build a new family… however hard it may be to live with the ghost of the one you loved.
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